A Letter to Martha...

Dear Martha,

After watching your recent holiday special and seeing how easy it is to make 300 plum puddings for your closest friends and after seeing you decorate your entire house to appear like a scene right out Dicken's A Christmas Carol as it might have been staged by Currier and Ives, I decided to try my hand at a little "holiday magic."

First stop was my local super store where I picked up your 8 books on Christmas planning and decorating, 4 DVDs of yours teaching me how to make my house look like yours for the holidays, all the needed Martha Stewart brand decorations mentioned in the books (thanks for the pull off book cover with the shopping list) and even a copy of your CD "Relaxing Holiday Sounds."

Unfortunately, I was out of commission for the next week because I threw my back out trying to load all of my purchases into my car. (Total cost $1254.87 for the books and such and another $100.00 for the doctor and my prescriptions (how about a chapter in a future book on making your own pharmaceuticals?))

Once I was able to stand up straight again, I set out to make 300 plum puddings for all of my closest friends just as you suggest (although I wasn't quite sure what my friends were going to go with 60 plum puddings each). Although I was beginning to panic as I was already a week behind the schedule set forth in your book.

Next stop was my local grocery store where I spent $523.74 on the ingredients. I went home and began mixing up the batter. Of course, at the time I was living in a 1-bedroom apartment with a half-size stove and oven so I couldn't mix up all the batter at once like you show in your book, so I set out to make them one at a time. Each pudding took 1 hour to mix and bake, so 12 and a half days later I was done making the puddings.

Now I was three weeks behind the schedule of your book, and Christmas having passed 3 days earlier and with no other presents for my friends I ventured out singing the old wassail songs listed in Chapter 5 of your book. I learned them in the Middle English just like you suggested.

Well Martha, here is where my question to you comes in.

During the almost 2 weeks of making and baking the puddings, I hadn't showered, so when I showed up at my 1st friend’s house with a wheelbarrow of 60 plum puddings, singing in an what sounded like an unknown language and smelling like an old gym sock, my friend called the police and had me arrested.

Since I had spent $523.74 on ingredients and another $1254.87 for your books and such (not to mention the $100.00 on the doctor) and since I hadn't been to work for the past month, I had no money for bail.

So dear Martha, do you have a book on how to pass the time in county jail (I am hoping your recent stint in prison will make it so) or at least some ideas on how to accessorize this orange jumpsuit?

Forever Faithful,
Shannon