Metaphysical Musings....

So many times during a typical week, I stop to wonder if I am happy. Am I doing something useful with my life? Should I be living differently? Am I doing enough for the wider world?

About 99% of the time the answers are: Yes, I am happy. Some days I am happier than others but yes, I am happy and content most of the time.

Useful? Well, I never saw myself working in an office behind a desk as a career, but I must remember that someone has to do what I do so it might as well be me.

Perhaps I should be living differently, saving more for the future, giving more to charity, seeing more live music, performing more in some capacity, reading more, exercising more, eating better, watching less TV, being more creative, working more on my house, designing my garden for the spring, cleaning out my basement, organizing my house and therefore my life. Yet even with all these shoulds, I am content and happy to watch TV, play poker on-line and dream.

Wider world… this is the one that troubles me the most. With the US media’s affection for all things bad, we see way too much violence in its uncountable forms. There should be something that one fat, gay mid-west guy can do. I give to the United Way and pledge money to Public Radio but always think there is more that I should be doing.

Yet after working 40 hours a week (many times more) and fulfilling my own food, sleep, chill-time and poker needs there isn’t much time left for the wider world.

But if thoughts and worries can change anything then slap a dhoti on me and call me Gandhi.

And now for something completely differnent: Sexy men!! enjoy!!!

Yes that's the boys from Brokeback Mountain.... sigh....

Intense Heat....

When I was a kid we never took family vacations. A few times we went on an overnight trip to Sea World Ohio and then the next day would go to Geauga Lake. So for years I wanted to go somewhere cool.

For as long as I can remember my dad had always been a gambler, telling stories of his poker playing and craps. He taught me to play craps when I was like 4 years old and my mom still likes to tell that I beat my dad the 1st time.

So I often dropped hints when I was a kid that we should go to Las Vegas and say at Circus Circus so there would be gambling for my parents and the Circus for me. (Little did I realize that one of the reasons we never went on a vacation was we couldn’t afford it).

As I began into my adult years I have been fortunate to be able to vacation somewhere almost every year. From Wisconsin to North Carolina to Maine.

About 2 years ago I made my 1st trip to Vegas (only 30 years after I dropped hints to my parents) and fell in love with the glitz (and gambling).

I have been back to Vegas every 6 months since then and plan on my 5th trip next month.

One of my favorite things is the Fountains of Bellagio. Somehow those dancing waters make my gay soul dance. I know it’s crazy and weird but something about Vegas calms me (until I start losing money, but just keep within your limits (soapbox moment #1).

Waking up at like 5 am and going down to the casino to play some Blackjack or Let It Ride until its time to catch a little breakfast. Walking out into the intense heat (for years people had always told me that even though it was 120 degrees it was “different” because of the low humidity and I would say they were crazy because you cook things at 120 degrees, but alas I find the 120 degrees quite nice for short periods of time) and walking along Las Vegas Blvd. Finding a nice place to play some table games.

MMMMM….

Think I might have a problem….. lol

Music and Me...

Why does one want to learn to play a musical instrument?

For many children it’s a duty pushed on them by parents whom I guess think they are doing a good deed and “giving” their child some artistic nature that they themselves wished they had. Then there are the children who somehow magically know that they are going to become a great musician and therefore start lessons early in there life.

For me it was the “Star Wars” theme. In forth grade the string teacher came into class one day and demonstrated the different string instruments that we could attempt at that year. (Band instruments started in 5th grade).

After the violin and viola the teacher (Mr. Berhardt who was concertmaster of the Mansfield Symphony) pulled out the biggest thing I had ever seen. He sat down and placed it on the floor between his legs and began to play. “Star Wars” is what came out.

Da Da, Da ta da Ta Da…

This was 1977 after all and Star Wars was a part of all boys’ souls that year. I was in love. Many children wanted to play cello that year but all the others were talked out of it and I was chosen! I later found out that they thought my little fat body was the only one big enough to carry such and instrument back and forth to school.

So I started lessons at school. After the school year was up I started taking lessons from Mrs Lang. I studied with her until I graduated highs school and continue to play until now some 30 years after I first picked up that big hunk of wood.

Welcome 2006....

So many thoughts fill my mind this week. I am no writer. People around me can so much better weave woods into pictures. I am a good poet. The line is my friend. With that said, my friends’ blogs for the last few days have been filled with beautiful eulogies for the miners killed in WV this week.

I too feel sad for these men and their families but for some reason (maybe my little bit of pessimism that I hold) my mind went elsewhere. I was curious to see some crime statistics so went to the government. Did you know that there were 1.8 million violent crimes committed in the US last year. (Surprised me to be so great, and also was good to see that yes this number is going down year to year.)

So yes I mourn in some way for these men, but still worry more about a world where (just in the US) 1.8 million VIOLENT crimes can occur, where some people would rather see me dead than kiss another man, where I am unable to marry the person I may love and where I could lie on my deathbed and the man I love would legally be kept from seeing me.

Yes these are selfish things but I do have to look out for number 1, don’t I.

So this takes me to Brokeback Mountain. I had the honor of seeing this movie earlier this week.

For those of you looking for a love story that will tug at your heartstrings SEE THIS MOVIE. A love story that goes beyond gender and sexual orientation, SEE THIS MOVIE. For those of you who love beautiful scenery and secretly long to ride the mountains and live in nature, SEE THIS MOVIE. For those of you who like to flip off the mainstream SEE THIS MOVIE. For those of you who want to see a miraculous acting job by hunky Heath Ledger SEE THIS MOVIE. For those of you that just need a good cry, SEE THIS MOVIE.

So SEE THIS MOVIE.

I think it may help change the world in some small way.