Newspaper Column #2

Again from a prior life of mine:

Q. Regarding the term, "in it deeper than whale shit." How deep is whale shit?
A. After sending the crack research staff out to the White Water Gorge to look for a whale to defecate into a measuring cup, they returned empty handed. But alas, I determined that they should return empty handed.
The reason, you may ask. Simply, whale excrement is largely liquid, made up of little substance, much like the Clinton Crime Bill.
It seems that whales poop around 2% of their body weight a day. As an example, the Blue whale, one of the smallest whales we could find, rids itself of about 3 tons of mostly liquid excrement a day.

Q. After a hard day of classes the other day, I was sitting in my room, meditating to Nirvana CDs and was struck by the question, "What does Teen Spirit smell like?" -- Billy Stines
A. This one was a tough one. While visiting Mrs. Marie, the psychic advisor, and trying to contact Curt in the after-life, I began to receive an intense sensation of smells. After asking Mrs. Marie if she could smell these odorific olfactory experiences.
She replied, "No."
It hit me then that these must be the smells of Teen Spirit drifting over that great and boundless plain between this world and that of the great beyond.
But then I realized that Mrs. Marie was not only a psychic advisor, but also a retail seller of Teen Spirit underarm deodorant for adolescent women. So the smells enticing my nostrils were not from Curt but from B.O. fighters for teenagers. What a bummer!
So, what does Teen Spirit smell like? It comes in 5 yummy fragrances. These include: Baby Powder Soft, fine if you want to smell like a baby's butt; Romantic Rose, an air freshener if there ever was one; California Breeze which smelled faintly like a Blue Dolphin Drink; Caribbean Cool, "Bubble Yum" at its finest; and Totally Fresh, a fragrance I can not quite place.
Curt, we love you and thanks for the smells.

Q. Are the squirrels on campus edible? -- Chris Collins
A. After an extensive search (running all over campus trying to catch one), I have determined that squirrels are not edible. If they were edible, then they would be easier to catch, like a cow.

Q. Is it true what They say about Earlham College?
A. Yes, it is!

Q. Who are They?
A. The answer to this question is steeped in the mire of many centuries of logic and chance. We have all heard of the infamous "They" but has anyone met them and asked why They do all the stuff that They do?
At long last I think that I have found the only known person to have met They. After a brief interview over lunch in Morrison's where this person works. H.D., as I will call him, described They to me in this way: about 6 feet tall with a striking cleft in Their chin. Nice to know that there are answers to the unanswerable questions of life.

Have you a question that you have often pondered, yet were unable to find an answer for. This is where "Shannon's Simple Rhyme and Reason" will help. Write down your answer (on paper please) and place it in drawer 23. I will then attempt to answer questions each week with the help of my extensive reference staff. Simple, huh?