Newspaper Column #2

Again from a prior life of mine:

Q. Regarding the term, "in it deeper than whale shit." How deep is whale shit?
A. After sending the crack research staff out to the White Water Gorge to look for a whale to defecate into a measuring cup, they returned empty handed. But alas, I determined that they should return empty handed.
The reason, you may ask. Simply, whale excrement is largely liquid, made up of little substance, much like the Clinton Crime Bill.
It seems that whales poop around 2% of their body weight a day. As an example, the Blue whale, one of the smallest whales we could find, rids itself of about 3 tons of mostly liquid excrement a day.

Q. After a hard day of classes the other day, I was sitting in my room, meditating to Nirvana CDs and was struck by the question, "What does Teen Spirit smell like?" -- Billy Stines
A. This one was a tough one. While visiting Mrs. Marie, the psychic advisor, and trying to contact Curt in the after-life, I began to receive an intense sensation of smells. After asking Mrs. Marie if she could smell these odorific olfactory experiences.
She replied, "No."
It hit me then that these must be the smells of Teen Spirit drifting over that great and boundless plain between this world and that of the great beyond.
But then I realized that Mrs. Marie was not only a psychic advisor, but also a retail seller of Teen Spirit underarm deodorant for adolescent women. So the smells enticing my nostrils were not from Curt but from B.O. fighters for teenagers. What a bummer!
So, what does Teen Spirit smell like? It comes in 5 yummy fragrances. These include: Baby Powder Soft, fine if you want to smell like a baby's butt; Romantic Rose, an air freshener if there ever was one; California Breeze which smelled faintly like a Blue Dolphin Drink; Caribbean Cool, "Bubble Yum" at its finest; and Totally Fresh, a fragrance I can not quite place.
Curt, we love you and thanks for the smells.

Q. Are the squirrels on campus edible? -- Chris Collins
A. After an extensive search (running all over campus trying to catch one), I have determined that squirrels are not edible. If they were edible, then they would be easier to catch, like a cow.

Q. Is it true what They say about Earlham College?
A. Yes, it is!

Q. Who are They?
A. The answer to this question is steeped in the mire of many centuries of logic and chance. We have all heard of the infamous "They" but has anyone met them and asked why They do all the stuff that They do?
At long last I think that I have found the only known person to have met They. After a brief interview over lunch in Morrison's where this person works. H.D., as I will call him, described They to me in this way: about 6 feet tall with a striking cleft in Their chin. Nice to know that there are answers to the unanswerable questions of life.

Have you a question that you have often pondered, yet were unable to find an answer for. This is where "Shannon's Simple Rhyme and Reason" will help. Write down your answer (on paper please) and place it in drawer 23. I will then attempt to answer questions each week with the help of my extensive reference staff. Simple, huh?

Old Writings (but fun!)

When I worked at Earlham College (in Richmond IN) as a dorm director (actually 2 dorms) I was asked if I wanted to write a column for the campus paper by one of the students in my building who was the editor. Here is the 1st column I wrote:

Headline: One Billion Jumping Chinese and Other Folly

By: Shannon Salser

Name of Column: Simple Rhyme and Reason

Welcome to an almost new innovation in entertainment. While the idea is not mine, I hope to share my insights of the world with you, the attentive and inquisitive member of the greater Earlham community.

The idea and actually the questions and parts of the answers for this column come from Cecil Adams and his column, titled "The Straight Dope." But in order for this venture to continue, I need your help.

Have you a question that you have often pondered, yet were unable to find an answer for. This is where "Shannon's Simple Rhyme and Reason" will help. Write down your answer (on paper please) and place it in drawer 23. I will then attempt to answer questions each week with the help of my extensive reference staff. Simple, huh?

Q. What would happen if every person in China were to stand on a chair and en mass jump off? Would the resulting blow knock the Earth out of it's orbit?

A. In trying to answer this question, I found out the most important piece of reference hunting knowledge: China will not return voice mail messages! After extensive calls asking if the Peking government would consent to having all 1 billion 27 million people stand on chairs and simultaneously jump off, I determined that the Chinese government was not yet willing to help me for the sake of scientific betterment.

However, as a stab at answering such a staggering question, the U.N. claims that China is still, in the global picture, a poor country. Needless to say, finding over a billion chairs in China is a logistical problem left to the writers of the Clinton Crime Bill. You can just forget finding that many chairs, let alone chairs of a uniform height needed for such a ground-breaking (or is that shaking) experiment.

There are those of you that might suggest taking one person and letting him or her jump off of a chair, measuring the force on the earth and multiplying it by 1 billion 27 million. Even I and my two non-math degrees can figure out that the margin of error in such a study would make it useless and therefore not even worth trying.

But putting aside the logistics for a moment, I figure that even if it were possible to get the Chinese government to return my voice mail messages, Newton's law of equal and opposite forces would save us all from hurtling into the sun by means of a big sweaty blood-curdling roller-coaster ride from hell.

All those chairs with people on them have to exert a force against the ground with the ground exerting just as much force back at the legs of the chairs. So when we have a billion weightless Chinese people for just a fraction of a second, the earth would be moving to join them roughly half way, thus negating the force.

Of course, what if we could materialize (beam them, for those of us who watch Star Trek) all those people onto their chairs and then they jumped. By my calculations (rough, let me tell you), the force would be equal to only 500 tons of TNT. By no means is this enough to move the 6 sextillion 588 quintillion pounds of matter that make up this little old place we call the Earth.

Next week (if I don't get any better questions), regarding the term, "in it deeper than whale shit." How deep is whale shit?

Gambling Terms

As I was looking around the website for Seneca Allegany Casino where it look slike I will be going to this weekend for a nice overnight trip, I ran accross this nice list of gambling terms I wish to share with anyone out there who wants to learn more about casino gambling:

Action – The amount of money wagered by a player during the playing session.
Ante – The initial bet before you receive your cards in Stud Poker.
Banker – In card games, the dealer. In some card games, each player becomes a banker.
Bet – To wager.
Betting Limits – The minimum and maximum amounts of money that a player can wager on one bet in a table game. You cannot wager less than the minimum or more than the maximum amount posted.
Blackjack – Table game where a winning hand must be higher than the dealer’s without going over 21.
Buy-In – Converting cash into chips.
Caribbean Stud Poker – The challenge of Poker with an easier-to-play format, plus the first-ever progressive play jackpot offered at a table game!
Chips – Round tokens used in gaming in lieu of cash. They are purchased at the gaming tables and exchanged at the cashier’s booth or cage.
Color Up – When a player exchanges smaller denomination chips for larger denomination chips.
Comps – Complimentary gifts given by the Casino rewarding people for gaming loyalty. Typical comps can include complimentary meals, beverages or promotional items.
Deal – To give out the cards during a table game.
Doubling Down – A betting option in Blackjack where the player’s opening two-card hand is dealt face-up and player’s original wager is doubled. The player is then dealt one additional card only, to complete the hand. In the event that the player beats the dealer’s hand or the dealer busts, the player wins twice the amount of their original wager.
Even Money Bet – A bet that pays back the same amount that you wagered, plus your original wager.
Hand – Refers to the cards that you hold.
Hit – In Blackjack, to take another card.
House – The casino or gambling facility.
Inside Bets – A Roulette bet placed on any number, or small combination of numbers.
Insurance – In Blackjack, a side bet that the dealer has a natural. Insurance is offered only when the dealer’s up card is an ace. The insurance bet wins double if the dealer has a natural, but loses if the dealer does not.
Jackpot – A big win on a slot machine.
Jacks or Better – In some video Poker games, when you get a pair of Jacks or a higher ranking, you win. You don’t win anything on a pair of tens or lower.
Natural – In Blackjack, a natural is a two-card hand of 21 points. In Baccarat a natural is a two-card total of eight or nine.
Odds – Ratio of probabilities. The fraction by which the casino offers to multiply a bettor’s stake.
Outside Bets – Roulette bets located on the outside part of the layout. They involve betting 12 or 18 numbers (such as red or black) with one chip.
Payback Percentage – The percent of each dollar played in a slot machine that the machine is programmed to return to the player. Payback percentage is 100 percent minus the house edge.
Payline – The line on a slot machine window on which the symbols from each reel must line up. Slot machines can have as many as 20 paylines, although most have only one.
Payout Table – A posting somewhere on the front of a slot or video Poker machine that tells you what each winning hand will pay for the number of coins played.
Pit – An area of a casino in which a group of table games are arranged. The center area is restricted to dealers and other casino personnel.
Progressive – A slot machine whose potential jackpot increases with each coin that is played.
Push – A round of play where neither the player nor the dealer wins.
Reel-Spinning Slot Machines – These traditional slot machines are operated by pushing a button or pulling a handle to initiate individually spinning “reels.” Seneca Allegany Casino and Seneca Niagara Casino & Hotel have the only reel-spinning slot machines in New York State.
Roulette – Game where bets are placed on numbers (1-36) or combinations of numbers.
Shoe – Device used for holding and dispensing playing cards to be dealt.
Suit – Any one of the four types of cards: clubs, diamonds, hearts or spades.
Video Slot Machines – These popular machines are operated by pushing a button, pulling a handle, or touching a monitor screen to initiate computerized “action.” Video slot machines often feature a variety of animation and special effects, including exciting bonus board screens.
Wager – Any bet.
Wild Card – A joker or other card that can be used as any other card to complete your hand in card games.

Dreams and memories...

Memories are funny things. It can take a shaft of light hitting a leaf the right way, or a smell of cleanser as you scrub the bathtub, or a slight taste of nutmeg in the cookie that someone gave you at work. With just a touch of any of these factors, your mind sparks and that memory trapped in the tiny recesses of some part of your brain fires up and the memory floods your mind and makes you stop what you are doing and stretch your hand out to try to pull it more into the light of your conscious. My memories have also recently begun to suffice in my dreams. One of my friends at work thinks it’s my synapses cleaning themselves for new memories. I think its more like my mind bringing the memory to the surface so that it is not lost but given a new place to store for the next few years. These dreams started a few years ago and continue every now and then. Even before I had knowledge of my 20th high school reunion some of the dreams I can remember involved people from high school not thought of it a long time. What was my hand going on Jason Boyd’s cock? He and I did share a room when I went to Canada my senior year of high school. Perhaps some unknown crush on him at that point left the synapse and shot forward to a new memory.

Ron Mueck

Ran accross this guys artwork... quite amazing... here is a link to a video about his time at the National Gallery in London. Worth the watch!


Ron Mueck

Las Vegas, Again!

I am back from having spent another week in the incredible city of Las Vegas. Lynne, Jim and I saw Spamalot and for anyone out there who has a even a small like of Monty Python, you must see this musical. I laughed long and hard. And for those of you who take your musical theater a little too seriously, you should also see it as it makes grand fun of the whole musical theater tradition. (Not to mention you get to see Sir Galahad’s (GAY!!!!!) rhinestone studded codpiece!

The three of us also had an excellent meal at the signature restaurant of the Wynn – Tableau. At first I felt out of place at suck a fancy place, but that soon went away as I tasted splendor and realized I do deserve to be treated like a king (maybe queen) every now and then.

Yet once again I was reminded of one of the main reason I love Vegas (second only to that feeling of winning at gambling). Today having been back from Vegas for less than 2 days, I tripped to the grocery store and as I was waiting in line at the deli, the man in front of me apologized for taking so long with his choices and I quipped back that is was OK because I had just gotten back from Vegas and was still relaxed. Which not only made him turn to talk to me about Vegas but also when it was my turn to order got the clerk talking to me about Vegas. In the normal world this idle chitchat does not happen. But in Vegas, and obviously just invoking the name of Vegas, breaks down all barriers and allows one the freedom to converse with perfect strangers and feel good about it.

I love sitting at a table in Vegas and chatting with complete strangers about their trip and what shows they might have seen. And on a dirty old man side, I love the drunken young cuties that will chat me up.

Overall the trip was excellent. As usual my last day was kind of a bust but alas that allows Jim and Lynne to end on a high note (ask them for the story some time).

Jim and I also saw Hans Klok, a magician from the Netherlands, who was assisted by none other than Pamela Anderson. She is quirt stunning in person and I can see why the straight boys love her (read that as huge breasts). We had great seats for both shows but the seats for this show allowed me to see some bruises on Pam’s legs (I assume from the magic (tricks) she assisted with!)

So as I begin to count the days to the next trip, I bid farewell to Sin City and wish once again there was something that I did there that could stay there….